deep box

big cube (14)

this post is a little whiney, so I apologize in advance.

I built this late in the evening after a very, very bad day. I just started building and forming, no detail, no sense of purpose. I built walls to hold myself in and the world out. occasionally, this happens. my interior life is important to me, and a lot of times it’s the only place I can feel safe, so I built my box. I didn’t really have time to photograph, as the park closes when the sun sets. the park keepers destroy all build they deem dangerous after the gates closed, and as much as this build wasn’t super impressive, I still wanted documentation of it – to share with you, and to remember my experience by. (this box now exists in my head as a memory construct. I can isolate if I have to, momentarily, to recover the energy I have to expend when I talk and interact with others. the photographs help me keep it fresh.) I went to the park rangers; they all redirected my inquiries to someone else, and I ended up talking to the head ranger.

it was unsettling talking to him. he wore sunglasses even though it was dark. I introduced myself and stuck out a hand to shake. with his arms crossed, he simply looked down at the hand, looked me back in the eyes, and said nothing. I felt all the rage, sadness, and unwanted disconnection that building my box had released wash back over me. I choked for a moment, quelled my inner discomfort, put it in the box. I was ready to be rejected at that point, to have my plea disregarded; I still wanted to get a grace period from the destruction. “I know you open the park at daylight. I can be here then, with my camera, to take photos. I’ll destroy it right after, so you can be sure no one will get hurt.” the ranger coughs and stares. I resist my emotional response. “I know I’m inconveniencing you, but you can tear it apart if I’m not here by 5:50.” I wait. he sighs, spits. “alright. but you had better be here.” I thank him. I sound grateful and unhurt. I am unhurt. who cares if he’s being obstinate and rude? I have my box. I can take my photos.

some of these images are from the night, some from the morning. the sunrise was brilliant in the moments it peeked through the clouds. they’re not great images, but they represent something to me. oh – minor detail. the stack was tremendously hard to pull down, merely because it was well built and heavy. the removal made me proud. it was like a vindication of my strength used putting the whole thing together. it’ll live on in my mind for a long time.

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